Thursday, April 18, 2013

Dear Anna Grey

Hi Baby,

This letter is long overdue.  Today, when you woke from napping after only an hour, I was annoyed.  But when you let me sit and rock you for nearly a half hour, I was in love.  These moments between us are so far and few, what with having an older brother and sister to keep up with, toys to be dumped, games of chase to be played, furniture to be climbed, and a cat to be tormented.  You're such a little busy body, though momma must confess that her busy body rarely takes the time to slow down and breathe you in.  How sad to think my third and last baby will be grown before I take the time to enjoy her.

So as I rocked you today and you started to stir, I kept snuggling you tighter, trying to convince you how much better the world is when you're in my arms.  And for awhile, you believed me.  But then the temptation of stuffed animals was too great and you wiggled from my arms.  Time to get going.

Baby, have I told you that you're my secret gift I didn't know I needed?  You see, shortly before Lila turned a year old, we were out for a family walk, and Daddy and I were discussing whether we thought our family was complete.  Having one boy and one girl seemed so perfect, but we both had lots of brothers and sisters and wanted the same for our two perfect kids, so we decided, that yes, we wanted another baby.  Which is a really good thing, because later that week, I found out I was already pregnant with you!  So unplanned and unexpectedly you came to us, which is quite perfect now that I know you.

You, little dancer, bring LIFE everywhere you go.  The sparkle in your eye is literally contagious, and your playfulness transforms me to my 13-year-old self who's saying, "YES!  Let's go teepeeing!" at the mere start of your giggle.  Before you, I thought I had everything.  Your brother was born and shattered my heart simply by being born.  I didn't think it could possibly contain more love than it held in the moment I first laid eyes on him.  But then your sister came along, and she's turned into my little mini-me.  So what more could I need?  I didn't know I NEEDED you!  You and life and dancing and giggling and silliness and playing!  Every. single. thing about you.

But there's something else you need to know about yourself, baby.  You see, during each of my pregnancies, I felt very strongly and specifically how to pray for the baby I was carrying.  For Bear, I knew I needed to pray that he would bring love and joy to everyone he met (and he does).  For Lila, I prayed for kindness and compassion but also bravery and courage (and she is).  But for you, little warrior, God placed in my heart to pray for you who would fight for peace and justice, which quite literally scares the heck out of me!  I have no idea what that means for God's plan for you, other than the fact that you came out a fighter.  You are fierce.  Fierce in your love.  Fierce in your play.  Fierce
in life.

And I can't believe I get to touch and love that little bit of heaven's fierceness that's contained in your great big fierce heart.

Anna Grey, my heart is shattered again and just oozes all the love it couldn't hold.  Baby girl, you completed our family when we didn't even know it needed completing.

With all the fiercest love a mother can muster,

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